


All I Ever Wanted

by dll10



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, New Moon Rewrite, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:48:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26339770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dll10/pseuds/dll10
Summary: When Laurent visits Forks to check on Bella for Victoria, he tries to spare her the horros Victoria has planned, but he's interrupted in the process.  Bella finds herself suddenly a vampire, quickly reunited with the Cullens - all except the one she most desired.  How will she adjust with Victoria still out to get her?  Why is Jasper always the one she relies on?
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jasper Hale/Bella Swan
Comments: 29
Kudos: 198





	1. 1

Author's Note

Please forgive any spelling and/or grammar errors. I hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think!

I know other people have started stories from this point in New Moon as well, but hopefully you'll enjoy the direction I take it from here. This story will be shorter overall than my other Jasper/Bella story, since it will be told entirely from Bella's perspective. It will start as Edward/Bella before shifting to Jasper/Bella. And like that one, everyone will get their happily ever after - eventually. I still don't hate Edward. I just don't think he's best for Bella, and Jake certainly isn't either.

Any dialogue you recognize is from New Moon. PS I'm not Stephenie Meyer, so I don't own anything :(

~

Ch 1

The numbness shattered. Abruptly. Agonizingly. A car smashing headlong into a building. For the majority of the last six months it had been her constant companion.

Now an aching hole had opened up in her chest. Opened? That implied a certain amount of care had been taken to do it. No. This was more like it had been punched through with a sledgehammer, and the edges were the irregular splinters of broken wooden beams.

Sunnier spots, less hazy where the paralytic fog had burned away existed these last months. Her time with Jacob Black, brief as it had been - not even four weeks, had been the primary one. Before he too abandoned her.

Then it'd been a return of Zombie Bella. She'd stopped being a whole person. Could she ever be a whole person without him? Probably not. It's not like she'd had any success so far.

After Jacob had gone, like a junkie in withdrawal when denied their drug of choice, she'd retreated into the familiar cocoon of numbness while she waited for her next fix. Rocking alone in a dark corner as the world passed her by between routine moments. At least that allowed her to function. Not thinking at least allowed time to continue, to tick inevitably closer to the end. Days turned into a week as she miserably tried to continue living. Someday it would have to let up. Right?

And here was the answer. The reason she'd continued. To make it to this point.

With nothing else to do, and unwilling to spend another day alone in her house where the echoing screams from her nightmares lingered, she'd decided to go hiking. She needed to find him. Now more than ever. Another attempt to find the place where she'd feel closer to him.

Today she'd finally stumbled, literally tripping and falling over the log she'd unsuccessfully climbed atop only to land on a bush that gave way under her weight to the place she sought. Except, she was not at all prepared for what she found when she did. Her desert oasis turned out to only be a taunting mirage upon closer inspection.

The unusually symmetrical meadow, ringed with trees, ferns and vines, and barren without flowers this time of year, contained only rippling, waving grass. Desolation descended. She was alone. Abandoned. Forgotten.

It was empty. Empty of forest noises - birds chirping and rodents scampering. Empty of him. Of his presence. Of the significance this place once held.

The stinging slashes of knives slowly carving shallow cuts over every inch of her body. That was the pain of the memories, the only ridiculously inconsequential thing left to her in this once special place, consumed her. Filled the hollowed space within her caused by his and Jacob's desertions until the agony overflowed into the empty meadow.

Empty - except it wasn't.

Dark circles under brilliant topaz eyes. Pallid face. Unnatural stillness. Inhumanly beautiful perfection. Every inch of the figure screamed vampire.

What's more, Bella recognized him. The black hair and square jaw were just as she remembered.

"Laurent!" she cried out, surprised.

Topaz. His eyes were topaz. So he had joined the Denali coven. The doctor had mentioned that, but here was proof that he did. The other family like… like them, who abstained from drinking human blood for ethical reasons. The good ones. Ones too good for her to be welcomed. Forks was awfully far from Alaska though. What was he doing here today?

"Bella?" he asked, stunned, and Bella winced at the sound. The beauty of the melodic tinkling that was the voice of vampires.

She'd been cold since Jacob stopped speaking to her. Frost had creeped up her body, covering every inch until she was completely encased in ice. The frozen water patching over the holes that had been punched through her chest, making swiss cheese of her person. Who needed intact organs anyways? Certainly not a disgusting, hideous zombie.

And now, just hearing Laurent's voice reminded her of his. The one she'd not allowed herself to think of unless she was behaving recklessly - seeking one of her hallucinations.

Bella expected one to occur now, to see and hear his velvety voice, between the place and the company, but for some reason it didn't fill her mind.

"You remember," she said, enormously satisfied. Laurent was here. Proof that vampires existed - despite his claims that she would forget, and that he'd remove all traces of their presence from her life. Even if he didn't inspire the hallucinations she'd come to rely on, and sought out with every adrenaline-filled activity she could come up with.

Laurent's head tilted, and he eyed her speculatively. "I didn't expect to see you here," he admitted, fluidly stalking closer, the graceful gait of one that did not rely on a center of gravity for balance.

Laurent might not have joined James and Victoria when they'd hunted her last spring, but only because he'd been afraid. Afraid to take on so many when there was no hope of success. But his movements now abruptly startled her. There was a predatoriness to the way he approached. An undeniable hunger as he took her in. It was calculating. Options being weighed and discarded.

"Isn't it the other way around? I do live here. I thought you'd gone to Alaska," Bella commented, rambling a little as she tried to understand the sudden fear that had taken root in her. Never had she actually been afraid of good vampires, and Laurent's eyes clearly stated that he was good himself now.

And if she was afraid, why did Edward's silky guidance not appear to warn her. Shouldn't her more loyal version of the one she loved be with her in this critical moment?

"I did. Tanya's family is quite welcoming. The novelty and advantages of staying in one place are indeed inviting. Irina and I have grown very close as well. I am quite taken with her," he announced. She understood what he was implying at once. Pain that he'd found the happiness she'd been denied staggered her. Actually forced her to take an involuntary step back. She watched as he took in the retreat, almost pityingly. His next words brought her up short. "But Victoria asked me to meet with her. Out of respect for our time together, I did."

"You met with Victoria?" Bella whispered, eyes closing against the horror that possibility presented.

Bella saw a flash of carrot-orange curls, matted with sticks tangled in their length combined with a snarl, complete with lips curled back to reveal a full set of razor teeth coated in gleaming, pain-inducing venom dart across the inside of her eyelids - proof that there wasn't even relief in denial.

Confusion and fear warred within her. Dryness made her tongue feel thick and swollen, too large for her mouth. Swallowing was impossible. The instinct to run was there, nearly uncontrollable, yet she remained immobile, ruthlessly stamping down the desire. The urge to hear the ending of this story holding her in place like a book she was invested in, the final chapters beckoning.

"I was returning to Irina when I caught your scent. I had to see if it truly was you or if Victoria's words had tricked me into conjuring up your mouth watering scent," Laurent said, sadness flickering over his face.

"Victoria's words?" Bella echoed, ignoring the comment about how appetizing she smelled. It wasn't the first time she'd heard it. Though it may be the last.

"I know the Cullens left you here. Alice and Jasper have come to stay with us in Alaska. They've shared much about your time together."

Bella's chest ripped open wider at hearing the family that left her mentioned so casually. The familiarity and ease he possessed in speaking of them. It used to be that way for her too. Not anymore though. Not since they left.

Their loss was a festering wound. Gangrenous and oozing around the edges with infection. Blood drained steadily from the gashes to leave her cold as it positively drenched the once sacred meadow. Bella's arms wrapped tightly around her middle, holding the shredded remains of her guts inside, useless though the gesture was.

It was almost enough for her to long for the last week of waiting. Waiting in the hopes that Jacob would finally take her call, and she'd have access to her drug of choice again. The lack of interactions and numbness would be preferable to the agony of hearing about Laurent living the life she wanted, and having him remind her that she was nothing more than an unwanted pet. Surrendered when her owners moved away, never to be heard from again.

Laurent stepped closer. Close enough for her to see the impossible smoothness of his skin. The lack of pores on his perfectly sculpted face. To smell the sweet scent of his slow, even breathing. Close enough to touch her. To kill her with ease if he so chose. The air between them cooled from his nearness.

"Victoria has plans for you. Terrible plans. Is it fate or kismet that I stumbled upon you here first?"

Still, no hallucination of… of Edward appeared. The name tore through the fragile barriers in her mind, forcing itself to be remembered in her head. She'd been relying on him to advise her. To help her navigate this tenuous situation. To be with her in the end, when dying was the only possible conclusion to this meeting.

It made sense though. That even the version of him that she envisioned would ultimately abandon her the way the real individual had. Proof that her imagination was, at the very least, an accurate interpretation.

"What plans? Are you helping her?" Bella asked fearfully. What vengeance had Victoria dreamed up?

"No, I am not. James was her mate and your Edward killed him - she thinks it will be more fitting to carry out her revenge on you. She did not believe me that he'd left you. That he did not want you anymore, though I heard the news directly from his family. She insisted - a mate for a mate, a plan that leaves him to suffer your loss. I would not help her with that - I want no part in such events as those she has planned to carry out," Laurent said in a soft, melodic voice, shaking his head in disgust at his private thoughts. "You do not either. I can spare you the pain she intends. A gift for your part in helping me find Irina."

His fingers reached out and traced down her throat, so faint they barely registered. His lips dipped closer, further cooling the air touching her skin and making her shiver. Goosebumps pebbled on her skin making it tingle and tighten uncomfortably.

"Please, don't do this, Laurent," Bella begged. Even at her worst moment, she'd not had a death wish. Nor did she wish it all to end here and now. For Charlie's sake. And Renee's. For the hope that someday the pain would lessen and she'd be able to breathe again.

Looked like her luck had finally run out. Or was it more appropriate to say it had finally caught up to her? Her number had been up for so long already. Borrowed time could only last so long.

"Trust me, you should be grateful that I did not leave you for her," he offered, kissing her neck. It was not sexual, more a comfort and a goodbye.

His teeth rested against her for a moment, pausing, and Bella held her breath. The blunt edges were frozen daggers that didn't break the skin, however. When that continued to be the case, Bella realized he was second guessing the decision to end her life.

"Laurent, no!" a female cried. "Don't hurt her!"

He hissed, nicking Bella with the razors in his mouth as he spun to face the one that spoke, sensing a threat to his dinner. The scent of Bella's blood filled the meadow, invoking his hunting instinct so strongly he snarled viciously and knelt in front of her, protecting his meal.

The burn started as Bella gasped, quick swallow pants to replenish her oxygen starved lungs. She only allowed herself four mouthfuls before she clamped her teeth together with an audible snap, unwilling to draw attention to herself as the two vampires faced one another.

Laurent hissed again, crouching even more protectively in front of Bella as the salty, copper scent of her blood continued to fill the air so thickly that Bella smelt it as well. Black spots danced in front of her eyes, threatening her with unconsciousness as it always did. Her aversion to the scent as intact as ever. She sunk to her knees, hands planted in front of her to remain partially upright as dizziness threatened to swamp her.

"Laurent, it's me - Irina. Stop this. You don't want to hurt her - or me," she pleaded persuasively, holding her hands out placatingly to stay him. "We don't kill humans - it's not our way," she reminded him.

A twig snapped, and Irina spun towards to the woods. Laurent's head snapped up as well. Their conversation forgotten as they tensed in unison, both taking in what Bella's puny human eyes were unable to detect. Neither moved a single inch, unbreathing marble statues bearing witness.

The hunt was forgotten in the face of the latest danger.

"No. No, please. Don't!" Irina begged fearfully, the volume of her words rising with each utterance. "Please, no. No!"

A black beast separated itself from the shadows that clung to its ebony fur sticky as honey. Then two more monsters appeared, one grey and the other brown with a dark grey mask around his eyes, each moving to flank the first dark animal. Then two more. The farthest away was grey and black. The closest, a beautiful reddish brown.

The red haze of pain covered her vision as she swallowed her scream. Not a bear. Not bears - plural. The beasts the hikers reported weren't bears. They were wolves. Only bigger. The size of small horses.

There was no way. Yet the proof was not thirty feet away.

Muscles tensed beneath their fur, making it rustle and stand on end along their spines. Gleaming teeth were revealed when as one each curled their lips back ferociously. Snarls rumbled through the clearing, making Bella tremble, and momentarily forget the stinging venom singing her neck, slowly spreading with every beat of her heart.

Pain.

The months of pain had prepared her to handle the fire of burning. The preview James's bite had given steeled her - it was a glimpse of what this would entail. Inviting the hallucinations and the aftermath they caused had made her stronger. Strong enough for this.

Joy helped too. Because she was not dead. It wasn't a temporary reprieve. Laurent had not drained her. Better, she'd been bitten. Even now she was beginning to transition. Bella was turning into a vampire, getting her deepest wish granted. Well… one of her deepest wishes. One she'd not dared admit she still longed for.

Nor did she acknowledge the other wish of her heart.

"Don't! Don't, please, no. I'm begging you. Please, please don't do this!" Irina cried, dropping to her knees in supplication to appear less of a threat.

The middle, black wolf began to advance, the others following behind, steps nearly synchronized.

"No, wait, please! I know what you are. I know of the truce. Carlisle Cullen is my family. Wait, please," Irina screamed, begging so quickly Bella could barely make out the individual words. Whatever she was saying did the trick though, because the wolves stopped advancing.

Was she reasoning with them? How was that even possible?

"Please, please believe me," she continued, holding up her hands to ward them off.

The sight of the wolves seemed to have brought Laurent back to himself. He was able to ignore the siren call of her blood, as he straightened, inching towards Irina and away from the bleeding Bella. The urge to protect his mate from such an obvious threat, outweighing the desire to drink Bella's tempting blood.

"We don't hunt humans. I swear! This was an accident. He's still learning. Please try to understand! No one was killed. Don't hurt him," Irina continued begging, rambling nearly nonsensically as she verbally fought for the man she'd fallen in love with.

The rusty-colored wolf stepped away from the line, shimmering. The beast seemed to shrink in on itself, growing smaller. The fur got shorter, replaced by rippling skin like bubbly candle wax. The shifting wolf went up on its hind legs - flanks altering to become muscular, russet legs.

Was the venom making Bella hallucinate?

And for once the vision didn't star Edward. It was easier to think of his name now after having already done so this day.

Even if her hallucination wasn't of him, it was starting to resemble someone she was familiar with.

Pain flared again, but Bella bit back the scream threatening to escape. Instead, she channeled it into a reminder that she was still alive. This may not be how she wanted to turn, but maybe now that she was becoming a vampire, she could find Edward. She'd finally be beautiful. She could chase after him and his distractions, join him in pursuing them. She'd be fast enough to keep up with him if he ran again, and have lifetimes to find him. She'd spend forever searching him out if necessary.

Blinking, Bella realized what she was seeing. It wasn't the pain. It couldn't be because Irina and Laurent were staring at the same thing she was. Both as slack-jawed as she felt from her own face. Because they were all staring at the same person. Where there once stood a monstrous wolf, now a very naked Jacob Black stood at the edge of the line of wolves.

"Jacob? Is that you?" Bella choked out through partially clenched teeth, amazed. The shock allowed her to speak despite the searing flames sizzling in her veins.

Pieces clicked into place. A picture started to form. This was the reason he had been avoiding her. But how? He was just Jacob. Ordinary teenage boy. Her friend. Nothing spectacular or noteworthy about him. The only regular person she'd ever connected to. He wasn't part of the supernatural world. Not the way the… the Cullens were. But the proof was staring her directly in the face. Unavoidable.

It wasn't fair. How come Jake got to be special? Then the searing agony in her neck spiked, and she recalled that she was becoming special too. Finally.

"Bells. Did he bite you?" Jacob demanded in a hard, husky voice. Pained concern made him look older than he was. Hardened. Coal under pressure until it altered to something unrecognizably strong. His hands were clasped in front of him to shield himself and preserve a shred of modesty.

He was bigger too. Wider. Taller. Even more muscular if possible. He'd grown significantly more in the week since they went to the movies and he'd supposedly been sick. His long hair was gone too, shorn so that it was short, spiky. A bitter, tortured expression twisted his lips, contorting and replacing the constant happiness he usually radiated.

How had he known to ask that? Did he know what Laurent and Irina were? But how? Pain was making her mind slow as molasses on a winter day.

The black wolf growled at Jake - a warning. The sound was echoed by the grey one. Bella wanted to warn him to run. To beg him to save himself, afraid the wolves planned to attack him. He was so close. What hope would he have of surviving if they did?

But he was one himself, wasn't he?

"You - you're - a werewolf," Bella gasped instead, the words spilling forth of their own accord.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you," Jake said, looking angrily from her to the two vampires still standing frozen between them. "I was bound, forbidden - but now that you've seen." He shrugged carelessly.

The large black wolf changed, shifting slowly into the form of Sam Uley. The leader of the gang Jake had been so afraid of just a week ago. Before the illness and his ignoring her. So this was the gang Sam led. A group of teenage Quileutes with the ability to become wolves at will.

All those times Jacob had confessed to being scared of Sam came rushing back to her now. More pieces clicked into place. How Sam classified himself and his disciples as protectors. The story on the beach Jacob had told her over a year ago. The history of his people. Bella was seeing it here now - wolves. Protecting against vampires.

They were crazy. Certifiable. There was no way they could fight Irina and Laurent. They'd get themselves killed. Nothing was stronger or faster than a vampire. Let alone two of them.

"Jacob!" Sam scolded, his name a clear reprimand.

"You can't control me, Sam," Jacob said fiercely, gritting his teeth as he glared at the older guy. "Bella, were you bitten?" he asked, repeating the question.

"Please -" Irina started to beg again, shifting in front of Laurent. He was still frozen, terrified. Though he'd inched his way to her side, gripping her arm as though prepared to drag her away at a moment's notice if it came to a fight.

"Bella?" Jacob interrupted to prod.

"Yes," she admitted, suddenly fearing his reaction.

"Jacob, you know what has to be done," Sam said, intensely. He was a pillar of steely determination.

"No!" Jacob denied, all but screaming the word. Shaking made the outline of Jacob seem to almost blur like his edges were being erased, the contents attempting to spill out.

"What - are you - talking about?" Bella grit out, clenching her hands into tight balls as another wave of pain crested through her. Dirt ground itself beneath her nails as her fingers clawed through the ground to form fists. A tiny hiss escaped her lips, unwilling to be entirely suppressed.

"I hunt vampires, Bella. Filthy bloodsuckers. That's why I'm a wolf. A life sentence forced on me - because of their kind. And now… " he hissed through his teeth.

Bella gasped, disliking the evaluation and conclusions she drew from his accusation. This happened to Jake because of the Cullens? But they'd been gone for months, and Laurent and Irina only just got here. Not a week ago when Jacob first got sick.

He looked ready to say more. This was a powder keg ready to ignite and explode. She had to diffuse the situation. Quickly.

"Please, I want this. I've always wanted this," Bella said, understanding that he was implying he planned to hunt her.

Did he really think he could take on vampires though? Clearly he'd gone insane.

"You want this? To be one of them - because of your precious, blood-sucking Cullens," he spat, angrily. "Now you're becoming my enemy."

"No, Jake. Just what I was always meant to be," Bella explained, cringing against the fires raging within her. The intensity was starting to amplify. She'd thought herself strong enough. What an ignorant fool she was. This needed to be resolved soon before she resembled a piece of charred brisket.

Bella's fingers dug deeper into the hard earth, focusing on the resistance of the frozen grass roots and dirt to ignore the throbbing burn drumming through her. The sound of her heart pounding thudded in her ears, making it nearly impossible to watch and listen to those gather around discussing her fate.

It was so hot. A late August day in Phoenix.

"Let me take her with us. I swear she'll never hunt humans. We can look after her. Please. I'll take her to Carlisle… to the Cullens," Irina pleaded, sensing an opening. "She'll only ever feed on animals."

"No," Sam shot down, still trying to cow Jacob. Her friend ignored him, eyeing Bella like she was truly dying. "We have to destroy them - all three."

Jake whirled to glare at Sam. He was shaking again. Several deep breaths brought him back under control. "This is my decision," Jacob finally said.

"Are you stepping up as alpha then, Jacob?" Sam asked, clearly surprised.

The grey and black wolf moved to stand beside Jacob. Bella wondered who it was. Then the memory of Embry joining Sam's cult a few weeks ago flashed through her mind. That must be him.

"I am Ephraim Black's great-grandson. I wasn't born to follow you. And I won't let you touch her," Jacob said, stepping into Sam's personal space so they were standing nose-to-nose.

"That's it then? You're letting Charlie's daughter die here," Sam said cruelly, waving in Bella's general direction.

Jake looked over at her, heartbroken as he took in the tiny cut on her neck, more of a crimson line than a true bite.

"My decision is final. Besides, she's already dead," he whispered brokenly.

"No, Jake. I'll just be different. One of them," Bella insisted, not wanting him to hurt the way he'd hurt her this last week. She'd already hurt him so much by using him as her personal crutch, unintentionally leading him on and offering hope for more when there was none.

"Same difference. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise," Jacob said, letting her know their friendship really was at an end. He'd promised that he would keep trying. That he'd always be there for her.

That was over now though. And Bella was surprised to find herself completely all right with it. She was going down a different path. One he couldn't follow her down. One she didn't want him to follow her down. Because this path would lead her back to Edward.

Except Laurent had already told her that Edward didn't want her anymore. So what did that mean for her?

This would change things.

It had to.

"Thank you for letting me go - for letting us go," Bella forced out, including her two companions in the deal.

"For you," Jacob said brokenly. "For what we'll never have. Guess you were right. You tried to warn me - too bad I didn't listen."

They looked at each other. Bella for her part remembered how Jacob had made her warm. There was a corresponding warmth building within her now. Not in her heart, because she didn't love Jacob - never could, but near her neck. Jacob's sunshine. He'd given her his sun, and the gasy ball was now burning inside her. Bella was now the one filled with hope and happiness.

Jacob's face, by contrast, was a mask of misery. He was a study of broken dreams.

Part of Bella wanted to ask what was wrong with him, and help him as he'd helped her. But that time had passed. They'd already said their goodbyes on the friendship front. It would be someone else's job to fix Jacob the way he'd tried to fix her. Maybe the next person could even love him back the way he deserved.

She couldn't even say thank you. For helping her survive when she'd forgotten how to live. For patching her up and reminding what it felt like to smile again.

"None of you should return here - not anytime soon, if ever," Jacob warned, though possibly it was a threat.

It was getting so hot. With jerky, unsteady hands, fingers spasming uncontrollably every few seconds, Bella tugged her jacket off. The collar stuck to her where her blood had dried along the edge. Welcome relief came to her from the cool February air, but the reprieve was short lived. The fires within stoked higher, roasting her even more than before.

"Understood," Irina agreed quickly.

"Let's go," Jacob directed, the other wolves filing out, then Sam nodded, exploded back into a wolf and followed after. Jacob was the last to leave. He didn't look at Bella as he shifted and prowled back into the shadows, a wolf once again.

Bella was so out of it, she couldn't even feel a sense of wonder at witnessing the sight of her former friend morphing into a large animal.

Once out of sight, Irina scooped Bella up, holding her close and brushing her hair back out of her eyes. Now that the danger had passed, the pain was threatening to drown her again.

Awareness of the sun contained within her came at Bella with a vengeance. It was her punishment for wanting to become a vampire. The instant the adrenaline from her fear of the wolves fled, the fires of hell amped up, intent on raging within her fragile veins. Surely that was where she was - hell. Flickering red flames danced across her useless eyelids, shrouding everything. They no longer worked, singed and burned as they'd been in the final moments before the wolves retreated.

Irina could no longer be seen. Red dominated her vision. Forming an opaque wall of crimson, dancing flames. Occasionally they'd lash out and land a glowing flick across her cheek or leg.

There was no way anyone could endure this and come out unscathed. How had she ever believed that the pain of the last six months could have properly prepared her to handle this?

"Thank you, Bella. Hang on, okay?" Irina murmured. Bella had a feeling it hadn't been the first time she'd said those very same words.

"Take me home," Bella begged, not sure what precisely she meant by her request.

Her body was nothing more than a withered husk. Useless, charred remains. A mangled corpse. Would Irina leave her in the clearing? Let the wind and rain disperse the ashes? There was no way she was coming back from such significant and extensive ruination.

Frozen vices clamped Bella's wrists when she tried to claw and scratch the source of her burning from her throat. Anything to relieve the pain. All she sought was a temporary sanctuary. A black abyss. Where was it? Did one even exist? She was blindly circling the elusive relief, stumbling through the dense forest without a compass, sun, or stars to guide her.

Fiery branding irons were drug slowly across her skin leaving trails of sizzling, blackened and burnt flesh in their wake. The dead tissue seemed to curl and flake off, revealing brand new skin ripe and ready for torment.

Irina's voice floated to her again, familiar names allowing the words to penetrate the oppressive pain ruthlessly consuming her. "Laurent, go on ahead. Get Jasper and Alice - they should be there for her when we arrive. Have them call Carlisle. And warn Eleazar. I don't think there's enough venom in her system. I - I can't do it, and it's not a good idea for you to try."

Not enough? They intended to increase her suffering? By how much? She wouldn't survive this, let alone more!

She'd thought she knew what to expect since she'd experienced James's bite - how utterly laughable. A mosquito bit. An irritant rash gone before it'd been properly scratched raw. That had been nothing. Nothing!

Her new reality was infinitely worse. And it had only just begun. Three days? Or would the countdown only start after they supplied more venom? She wasn't going to be able to hold out three more minutes!

"Yes, I'm sorry," Laurent whispered. "I can't believe she's not screaming her head off already."

"She's strong. A fighter."

"I'm sorry," Laurent repeated.

"I know. Go on. Hang on Bella. We'll be home in a few hours. You're doing wonderfully - just hang in there," Irina cooed.

Alice. Jasper. Irina was taking her to them. The knowledge gave her strength. She could endure. She would.

And Carlisle.

He'd remained silent throughout his transition in order to avoid detection. Bella could do the same. This was all just a test to assess her worthiness. To verify that she deserved to become one of them. She would not fail. Bella would fight to deserve this unexpected gift.


	2. 2

Author’s Note

Please forgive any spelling and/or grammar errors. I hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think! 

Any dialogue you recognize is from New Moon, Breaking Dawn or possibly from I Thought I Knew… I really liked a couple bits of what I wrote about Bella’s change, so I recycled a few lines and analogies, though the circumstances and background events are vastly different. PS I’m not Stephenie Meyer, so I don’t own anything :(

~

Ch 2

“Soon, Bella. We’ll be there soon -- just hang on. Okay?” Irina murmured for the upteenth time. 

It didn’t help. The brittle words shattered moments after they were uttered. An icicle falling twenty stories upon a frozen sidewalk. Insubstantial, and unable to anchor her in the hope that arriving would be the equivalent of relief. An ending to her suffering.

Pain was real. Solid. Undeniable. That was the only truth she was sure of.

Edward had tried to warn her about the pain. He’d said that was why he didn’t want this for her -- though that had been before Carlisle revealed that Edward was more concerned about her soul than he was about her momentary suffering. A lie -- one of many. But one meant to spare her this time. 

But of course Edward had a soul. A being could not love without one, and he had loved her… for a time, at least. Hadn’t he? Or was that another lie? 

Was he just testing himself? Grateful for the challenge that resisting the siren call of her blood had provided. Bella longed to find out. To ask him for herself. To see if maybe he did love her at least a fraction as much as she loved him. But the only way that could happen was if she held on now.

She could withstand this now. Anything to get the center of her universe back. Because that’s what Edward was to her. Almost from the first moment she saw him. She’d loved him before ever getting to know him. Everything she did and felt had involved him in some way after that first sighting of his perfect person. Her every breath and action was based on her desperate desire to be with him. 

Surely that level of dependence was a mark of true love.

She’d let herself become so dependent on Edward that there was next to nothing left of her that was separate. These last months have proven that. Without Edward, Bella was an empty shell. At least there was room for all the pain that was suddenly cascading down. A waterfall pounded over her, the pressure hard and unrelenting as it broke her apart, cracking the fragile, spun glass surface of her being.

A mysterious abyss beckoned. Curled tempting fingers, gesturing her to walk into the unknown. Encouraging her to surrender to the sweet release of death. To give up and sink into the emptiness that promised elusive relief.

Only her hands held her in this world. Brittle bones and weak tissue clung to a fraying rope tethering her to life. But what was the point? Edward had said he didn’t want her. Could she really risk the chance that he’d been telling the truth?

Her fingers loosened. Reality wavered. A sweaty grip not sufficient enough to grasp and cling to the only hold preventing her from plummeting to her ultimate, final death.

For now, she was a drowning person flailing for the surface, reaching for the precious oxygen that was so close, yet so far. It was worth the risk. Survival became her first priority. She had to hold on. Just hold on.

Blackness threatened. A black hole that beckoned temptingly. She’d wanted that, for months that numbness dominated and she’d welcomed it. Yet now she could see that if her tenuous grip on reality eased even a fraction more, she’d be lost forever. Bella wanted to live. 

She would not give in without a fight. Bella was stronger than that. 

If she could prove her struggling was worth it -- the nightmares, hallucinations, functioning despite being riddled with holes, and the devolution into zombie land -- she would be rewarded. With becoming a vampire. 

A strong, beautiful, capable vampire. Nothing could stand against her or threaten her again.

Edward might even love her again once that happened.

Except, Edward left her. Hadn’t she already thought about all of this? Had this debate already… she couldn’t recall correctly. Her thoughts were so jumbled. A knotted ball of yarn being yanked and pulled roughly. One with Edward at the center, and each tug stabbed her with fresh pain from the sharp tips of the knitting needles. 

She’d been holding on to him, for him. But now she had no reason to continue. He’d made that perfectly clear when he said he didn’t love her. Would that change once she was like him? Once the decision was taken out of his hands, or…

“You don’t want me,” Bella acknowledged, understanding that he didn’t want to keep her with him.

“No,” Edward had agreed.

“It’s not funny,” she’d said, hurt that he’d laughed at her for thinking he’d want to make keeping her a special occasion.

“No, you’re right, it’s not. I’d rather treat it like a joke, though, than believe you’re serious,” he’d said in response to her believing he’d planned to change her when he’d really been taking her to prom. Because obviously the idea of wanting to spend forever with her was ludicrous and horrifying to him.

He didn’t want her. His words and actions were proof. There were so many times that he’d tried to tell her. Why had she not seen? She’d been blinded by her all consuming feelings for him. Without him, was there a reason she should even try to hold on? What was the point if she wasn’t with him in the end? 

Ugh! But she was so confused! If only the pain would relent enough to sort out her thoughts.

As Bella teetered between life and death, the knowledge that she was unworthy of Edward and the possibility that she could try to prove otherwise, the pain continued. A train rolling down a mountainside, gathering steam and momentum, preparing for an inevitable crash.

Words filtered through the mesh of barbed wires crisscrossing her body. Though her eyes were completely nonfunctional. The very thought of trying to open them to take in the people suddenly surrounding her made her cringe and retreat further into herself -- seeking a nonexistent safe haven or relief.

Relief? What a joke! It would never exist again.

“Tanya? Where is Eleazar?” Irina demanded, sounding nearly frantic. Tanya? Did that mean they were already in Alaska? That was where Irina said she was taking Bella, wasn’t it?

The first leg of her suffering was over then. She’d made it through the first milestone. Alaska was far. Hours and hours away. She must be nearly done transitioning. Right? 

Or at least a third of the way. A third was better than nothing. Please tell her that much, at least, was over. Someone? Anyone? What was happening?

Bella’s jaw was clenched so firmly shut that she feared she’d never be able to open it again, or if she did, her teeth would be cracked, jagged pieces. But she couldn’t risk screaming. It would mortify her to be perceived as the weak pathetic human she’d been. 

“He and Carmen are out hunting,” Tanya answered. “I’m not sure where or even when they will be back.”

“Laurent warned us about an hour ago, but… “ another female added, disbelief coloring her words.

“Where is he?” Irina demanded.

“He left as soon as he told Kate and myself. He was afraid to stay once… “ Tanya replied, trailing off when a terrifying growl vibrated through the room. “Well, that,” she said meaningfully.

“I saw it, and I still didn’t believe --“ Alice chimed in a chorus of ringing bells. 

Alice! Alice, Alice, Alice. Bella would recognize her voice anywhere. It would always be one of the most beautiful sounds she’d ever heard. The misery of missing her friend evaporated. The hurt of her sudden departure and lack of farewell was nothing -- instantly forgotten. Though never had Bella imagined a reunion going quite like this. It didn’t even matter to her at that moment that Alice had taken off without saying goodbye.

Bella’s joy generated a warmth deep in her soul, the one place that had remained free of the venom’s touch. Heat that replaced the persistent numbness -- a warmth that seemed frozen compared to the flames currently slicing her from the outside in, flicking like a thousand tiny whips, a burning cat o’ nines working overtime. 

“Why didn’t you stop him?” Jasper demanded. A sharpness to his words that cut Bella. Flayed her open with the ease of a doctor wielding a scalpel. But it was Jasper. He was there too, so the pain of the harsh words he caused hardly mattered! “She didn’t deserve this -- especially not this way.”

That sounded almost… protective. Did Jasper care about her? She’d not have guessed. He’d helped her in Phoenix against James, but Bella thought that had been for Edward and Alice’s sake, not hers. Even if he had insisted that she was worth it.

Those words had helped more than he could possibly imagine during these last five months. Whenever she’d been certain Edward left because she wasn’t enough. Yet there were times she was sure she’d imagined or dreamed him saying them. 

Any sort of affectionate feelings from the blond Cullen seemed unbelievable now though. Once they’d returned from that trip, Jasper had all but ignored her. He was conveniently out anytime she came over to the house. And the two times Edward had brought her out to events including the entire family, he’d stayed as far away as possible. Not once had he spoken to her again -- not even at her disastrous birthday party. 

That was actually the first time he’d been in the same room as her since their time in the hotel room and ballet studio. 

For the longest time she was convinced that he was angry with her for tricking him in the airport. Alice swore that wasn’t the problem, yet she never fessed up a plausible alternative either. Bella found it difficult, actually impossible, to believe anything else when he avoided her afterwards -- going so far as to not even be around her long enough to let her apologize. 

“I tried. I didn’t get there in time. By the time Alice warned me to go after him --” Irina explained quickly, practically begging them to understand that this was an accident, nothing intentional.

Of course not. They’d not wanted or planned to keep her with them forever. But now they were stuck with her.

“This wasn’t even why I was warning you,” Alice whispered forlornly. “I never saw this.”

Wait -- what? Then why? Bella clamped her teeth tighter together, annoyed that no one asked the obvious question, and frustrated that she was unable to ask herself. At least not without screaming loud enough to shatter glass.

“I have to check on Laurent,” Irina announced before anyone could say more. “I’m so sorry this happened. I have to make sure he’s all right, and find out more. I’m not sure when we’ll be back. He’ll need some convincing that there'll be no repercussions from this.”

“I’ll go with you,” the other woman, Kate, declared. 

Bella assumed they were departing, but distinct sounds were difficult to make out over the thready throbbing in her ears.

“With some answers,” Alice proclaimed harshly, loudly calling after the sisters, and making it clear it wasn’t a request.

“Alice, will she be all right?” Tanya asked, Bella could recognize the voice now as it redirected the conversation to stop the others from passing blame around. “She’s so still and quiet.”

Please don’t try to make her talk. There was no way she could without falling to pieces. She had to focus on holding herself together until the venom sealed the shredded pieces of her soul back together.

Why was she in pieces again? The knowledge was so close. She reached… and reached… searching. Pain erupted. A volcano exploding, releasing a pyroclastic flow. It bombarder her, steamrolling at four hundred miles per hour. 

The reason hit her. The memory slamming her with awareness.

Edward had abandoned her in a forest after telling her she wasn’t good enough for him. She’d returned to the woods, searching for his ghostly presence in the meadow he’d once taken her to.

No! She didn’t want to remember that. Things would be different. She’d be good enough as soon as she made it through the fires. Weren’t there people that deliberately walked through fire? If they could, she could.

“It’s going to take so long,” Alice whispered mournfully. “There’s barely any venom in her. The transition has only just begun.”

They thought this wasn’t enough? Impossible! Wait... What did Alice mean by this taking so long? Or by saying this had only barely begun? Was Bella going to have to suffer longer than normal?

No. Please, no. She’d never make it.

“Can you bite her again?” Tanya asked cautiously.

“Tanya!” Alice gasped, excited. “Oh!” she continued mournfully a moment later, likely responding to something she was seeing.

“I never had any success stopping,” Tanya admitted frankly, adding, “Or I’d volunteer. I wish Eleazar was here. I’m sure that is what Irina had in mind when she sent Laurent ahead.”

Silence greeted Bella. Too much silence. It left her at the searing mercies of the merily dancing flames slowly roasting her. Simmering like a pig on a spit. Did she still smell as appetizing to them?

“No, you won’t be able to stop -- nearly would I if I tried,” Alice said slowly, uncomfortably, but with complete certainty.

“Surely you could do it. You’re friends, aren’t you? Wouldn’t that help?” Tanya argued.

“I… I can’t,” Alice said mournfully, terrified even.

More silence. Couldn’t they tell she needed the distraction? Didn’t they care that she was only hanging on with broken fingernails? Every second they left her in suspense, another sliver of bamboo worked its way beneath the ragged remains of her nails.

“Jasper,” Alice began tentatively.

“No,” he replied firmly.

“But --”

“Absolutely not -- I won’t risk it,” Jasper refused in a rush.

“But I see it!” Alice argued back quickly.

“There’s no way -- you saw what happened on her birthday!”

“This is different, and you know it. Don’t you trust me?” Alice asked quietly.

“You really think… “ Jasper began hesitantly, and Bella realized her lack of sight was preventing her from properly following the conversation. Much must have been conveyed through looks and a silent language known only to two who’d been together for so long. 

“Surely you have before,” Tanya suggested, “given your history.”

“I mean… But… Alice… “ Jasper said incredulously, his sentences coming out broken, single words rather that complete thoughts.

“Trust me, Jazz,” Alice pleaded.

“Fine. I’ll do it. It’s my fault she was left alone, vulnerable, so it should be me. It’s fitting I suppose,” Jasper drawled, a hint of his southern origins creeping into his voice to accompany the thick weight of self-hatred. This might be the longest sentence Bella had ever heard him utter. Had his voice always been so deep and husky? “And yes, I’ve turned others -- for Maria.”

What? Jasper had made other vampires. The revelation temporarily cleared Bella’s head, and the pain could be compartmentalized, divided and shoved away from the rest of herself. At least for now. Curiosity was nearly enough to unhinge her jaw to ask for more details. Almost.

Who was Maria? And why could Bella feel the shame that came with the utterance? Jasper’s gift. He was ashamed of his past actions. Bella knew nothing of the tall blond Cullen. Only that he was the most recent to switch to a vegetarian diet, and that he struggled the most with it. That was the most Alice and Edward had ever told her about him apart from explaining how his gift worked. 

Alice had only shared that many details to explain his absences when she’d noted Bella’s unmistakable hurt. She disliked driving Rosalie and Jasper away from their own family just because they didn’t want her around. Edward had shared for a different reason. His had been more of a warning, cautioning her against getting too close or ever getting caught alone with Jasper. The blond was dangerous. To her. Her birthday had confirmed as much.

It seemed strange now that Alice never spoke of her mate. Bella always talked about Edward to Alice. And the fortune teller wasn’t exactly known for her discretion or boundaries. So why wasn’t Jasper’s name spilling from her lips with the frequency of a leaky faucet?

“Yes. You’ll be fine,” Alice said reassuringly. She sounded relieved. “We just hunted a few hours ago, and you’re prepared to handle her blood this time.”

“Alice, you’re certain?” Jasper asked, seeking verification once more. “Swear to me. Tell me you don’t see any possible way this could go wrong.”

Wait. Hold on just a second. They were going to trust Jasper to bite her again. What the hell? He’d lost it over a simple paper cut, but he was the one best suited to actually biting her now and allowing her blood to fill his mouth. Were they crazy? How did Alice expect him to stay in control?

Or was that it? Edward really didn’t want her, and Alice was allowing Jasper to rid them of the nuisance she’d spend eternity making of herself. Was that why she was relieved? The thought saddened Bella, but she had no way to protest. Nor did she want to if that was the case in truth. She wouldn’t survive an eternity of being unwanted.

“Yes, I can see it all perfectly. It’s not like before. You’ll do wonderfully, and her heart is strong -- for now,” Alice promised.

“The venom has already altered her scent a little, so that should help,” Jasper said, seeming like he was mentally bracing himself.

The idea of more venom -- more agonizing toxin, tore a whimper from her throat. “Mhh,” Bella hummed helplessly. 

“Exactly! That’s why you’ll be able to. I wish -- but I’ve never even tasted -- I can’t, just I… can’t,” Alice finished pitifully.

The searing of being laid on a bed of hot coals. Multiply it. By a thousand, thousand. The agony of spikes from an iron maiden slowly piercing her everywhere at once. The shock of a thousand bolts of lightning hitting her over and over. That’s what she was in store for if she was bitten again -- if Jasper could control himself.

Wonderful.

She could do this -- to be worthy.

“I’ve got you,” Jasper breathed into her ear. Was he carrying her? She couldn’t tell. He must be close, because the words were accompanied by the faintest sensation of cool relief fanning over her ear. There and gone as though imagined.

“She usually smells even more delicious than this? Edward really is a masochist,” Tanya said dryly from somewhere far away. 

A memory came to Bella as the female vampire mentioned Edward so familiarly. Tanya. She was the Denali that wanted Edward. He’d mentioned her a few times. What was she like? How much more inferior was Bella in comparison?

“Alice, can you stay -- just in case?” Jasper requested. “It’s been years, and I’m decades out of practice.” 

Another hint of coolness, this time on her face, a tender caress of a finger tip over the crest of her cheek. There and gone, so fleeting she forgot the meaning of everything except the inferno suffocating her the instant it was gone.

“You won’t lose control, I told you I’ve seen it, but yes, I’ll stay,” Alice agreed, flitting closer. “It’ll be all right, Bella. Soon this will all be over. You can scream if you want, though I already know you won’t. You’re so incredible -- remember that.”

Alice thought she was incredible? Did that mean she was happy that she and Bella would be friends forever?

“I’m sorry, Bella. I didn’t mean for this to happen to you, and I’m sorry for hurting you more. But this has to be done. You’ll burn for so much longer if I don’t,” Jasper whispered, the echo of coolness returning to her wrist. Tingles erupted where a hard pressure encompassed the place where her arm and hand met.

Tiny branding irons sunk into her flesh, inches from where James bit her nearly a year ago. Almost at once they were gone and her arm fell limply to her abdomen. 

Her hand must have slid off and fallen into an actual fireplace. That was the only explanation. She’d thought she could survive this? Laughable! Exponential didn’t begin to cover the new intensity she was experiencing.

Time passed. Ages. Eons. Millenia. Decades. It had no meaning and she had no way to tell how much. 

Bella thought she heard a door open, then, “You came back. I was starting to wonder, your mind wasn’t made up,” Alice bit out. The words forming in a single exhalation.

“It took awhile to regain myself. Go get some air -- I’ll stay with her,” Jasper promised. The pressure returned to Bella’s cheek, but the memory of coolness no longer accompanied it. 

More time passed. Shorter than before. Bella counted eighty seven breaths before a door opened and closed again, followed by steps approaching her supine form. 

Alice spoke again, apparently having returned. “Can you handle one more -- to help speed it along even more?” There was a tug on her upper thigh. Fabric rent, the sound louder than her pounding heart. 

“There?” Jasper asked uncertainly.

“Major artery -- it’ll spread faster,” Alice replied quickly. 

Then Bella’s knee shifted, butterflying her leg, then the flaming needles entered her inner thigh. Again they were there and gone in an instant followed by a slamming door. The echo ricocheted through the silent room, only barely louder than her racing heart. Each thud muffled the world around her, burying her head in the waves of the ocean until she was drowning. 

The torture, once concentrated primarily in her neck, then in her hand, was suddenly everywhere. He’d done it. Jasper had bitten her. Not once, but twice -- without killing her. He’d helped make her one of them. He and Alice wanted to keep her.

“He’ll be back after he’s hunted again, promise,” Alice murmured.

With that, Bella plunged into the crucible, surrendering to the fires intent on melting and forging her anew.

The rest of the world ceased to exist. Only hellfire existed. On and on. Endless.

“It worked. This will happen much quicker now,” Alice vowed, seeming to be reassuring Bella. Idly, Bella wondered how long she’d been talking to her, and telling her variations of the same thing. “So much faster.”

Her sharpening mind spun in useless, frantic circles. Blindfolded. Alone in the dark. Illiterate in the most elaborate and extensive library on the planet. 

She was a detective without any clues or leads.

All the while there was pain. Blistering, searing heat scalding her. On and on it went. Timeless.

The raging fires amped up, fed by a constant, fresh supply of fuel -- various parts of her body, no less -- until the heat reached a new high. The ultimate penacal. It was harder to focus, sweat beaded and evaporated before it had a chance to slide over her skin and offer cooling relief.

Her own name, her identity fled when a lash of flame whipped her, leaving a searing, scalding lick of pain lancing through her. It was impossible to concentrate through it. 

Wasn’t a person not supposed to feel pain with a third degree burn -- the one that went all the way through skin and down to the muscle? Something about damaged and destroyed sensory receptors… So why could she still feel everything? There was no way her burning had remained superficial!

“I just spoke to Carlisle. He, Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie are in Ireland. They should be back around the time she wakes up,” Jasper said softly from somewhere close to her head. 

The names were familiar. A faded dream she fought to remember. But the harder she tried to grasp onto the details, the more they slipped through the creases between her fingers like cupped water trickling out.

“Yes, they’ll land within minutes of her waking. She’ll have already hunted by the time they arrive at the house,” Alice said. “No. They’ll arrive first. Bella will be distracted, and you’ll delay returning.” Bella heard Alice’s light footsteps coming closer to wherever she was. They skipped and danced gracefully.

The raging heat smothered her, scorching every inch of her charred body. A heavy, relentless weight, self-imposed, pinned her in place making it impossible to move or scream. Internally, she burned, twisting in the flames, screaming herself hoarse. Externally, she lay immobile and silent, offering no clues to the anguish she experienced.

“We’ll finally be sisters, Bella. I always knew this would happen,” Alice’s sweet voice said eagerly.

Alice loved her. Bella heard it in her voice. She could hardly recall who Alice was or how they knew each other, not while the pain burned her previous life to ash, but the knowledge made her resolve not to screech or holler in agony and make the charming girl share her pain. Bella envisioned an invisible gag wedged between her teeth, and she worked it deeper. She would not scream, beg for help, or endlessly plead for death. And it was certain to be just that -- endless. Bella knew that if she started, her throat would be raw, her vocal cords strained beyond repair if she started because there would be no stopping once the first cry passed her lips. 

“I don’t understand why Edward resisted it so much,” Jasper muttered.

Edward. That name was more familiar. Hadn’t it been the name of one of her favorite characters in a Jane Austen novel?

“He had his reasons,” Alice said vaguely.

Time passed, and she counted breaths again -- it helped -- hers and the others in the room. She could keep track of all of it, each individual person. Her head was so large now. The distractions gave meaning to her agony, indicating a way out, a future. With each breath she took, she attempted to push the pain to the back of her mind.

Oh, that was it. Edward was Alice’s brother. He’d told Bella that he didn’t love or want her. What had he looked like? What had Alice looked like? For that matter, what did Bella look like? She couldn’t recall the details of her own face just then.

“The two of you and your secrets,” Jasper drawled ruefully.

“You’re still my best friend, don’t worry,” Alice teased, moving around. The movements allowed Bella to hear the swish of her skirt as the fabric rustled and brushed against itself.

“I can’t believe how quiet she is. She’s not moved or screamed once,” Jasper said, concern evident. Bella felt how it emanated from him.

“You didn’t mess anything up,” Alice promised quickly.

“Are you certain? I can feel her pain.”

“It’s no worse than what we all endured. Bella is just strong willed. She doesn’t want us to suffer with her,” Alice said knowingly. “Like Carlisle. So compassionate.” They must have been close once upon a time for her to understand Bella’s motivations so accurately.

“Remarkable,” Jasper said, sounding slightly awed -- by her. By Bella. How… novel. “Hang in there, darlin’,” he added.

“Such a smooth talkin southern gentleman,” Alice remarked lightly.

“Yes, ma’am, my momma raised me right,” Jasper chortled. He had a beautiful laugh. Just hearing it lessened some of her pain. Breathing was easier. 

Though she forced herself not to react physically to the relief. She knew she could move, but knew that doing so would be a very bad idea. She had to continue resisting. If she moved even a fraction, her fragile composure would be obliterated. She’d fall to pieces. 

“Speaking of parents. Bella? Jacob told Charlie you went hiking. He ‘found’ your jacket in the woods. It had blood all over the collar. Charlie thinks the bears got you. There was an article on the news about it. Your funeral is in a few days. I’m so sorry,” Alice said sadly.

Charlie… 

Try as she might, Bella could not conjure up a mental picture of who Alice was referring to. Though she understood from the tone that this was a loss for Bella. Maybe it was better that she couldn’t remember.

She longed for the blackness she’d first fought against, the promise of empty oblivion, but it was far too late for that. She was too far in.

All the while, her mind continued expanding. It shifted and grew, allowing her more room to process information. It was easier than ever to think even as it became harder to remember how she’d come to be in so much pain to begin with. 

Soon there was infinite space inside her head. Enough room to feel the agony of changing on a whole new level -- in surround sound, technicolor, the works -- and take in more of what was happening in the house. Sounds were louder, clearer. Scents stronger, more distinct. 

Someone in the next room was aimlessly flipping through channels on the television, only waiting five seconds before moving on to the next and sighing in boredom each time, while one of the people in the room with her was reading a book, turning the page every four seconds. 

Would she be able to read as quickly herself?

She could remember loving books. She’d be able to consume them at an unprecedented rate if she could read as fast. Could vampires get library cards?

“Did you call --”

“No. I want to wait and talk to her first. I have some questions,” Alice said quickly.

“Like what was she doing alone in the woods in the first place?” Jasper wondered aloud, curious if Alice was concerned about the same thing. “I can’t believe Laurent bit her. I could destroy him for this.”

“Hmm,” Alice hummed non committedly.

“I know. My control isn’t much better. Particularly where she’s concerned,” Jasper muttered, berating himself.

All the while the heat burning her to cinders turned up. It steadily, relentlessly increased. Why? Why did it seem determined to destroy her? How was there even anything left to burn?

It couldn’t get worse. Even with her new mind, processing more was inconceivable.

Except then it did. 

Pain signals from every inch of her body flooded her brain -- how wonderful. 

This trial to test her worthiness to become a vampire had turned more sadistic than ever. The definition of pain was being constantly redefined. 

She would not last. She was unworthy. Only an insane person would ever willingly choose to go through this! No wonder the Cullens had once thought her decision to join them odd. The thought had no context, but it came through clear as day.

The Cullens. The name was familiar. The people associated with the name were important to her. Flashes flickered in her mind. Emotions and impressions, nothing more substantial. Beauty. Laughter. Strength. Love. Family.

Then they were gone again.

New levels of hell. She’d definitely descended to all new levels. Wasn’t the ninth circle supposed to be covered in ice? Surely she’d descended far enough to reach the depths Dante had described. Bella longed for it. The cool relief of that icy plane must be close. She couldn’t take much more. 

Broken bones -- arms, legs and ribs -- lacerations and skull fractures. Bella had experienced it all. But none of it compared. Even the hollow, aching emptiness that followed Edward’s leaving --

Nothing. Her thoughts abruptly shut off. A door slammed shut. The rope tying her past and present was severed so abruptly that she fell, plummeting into the blazing, violent chasm of her burning body. 

Her hands reached and scrambled to find purchase. Searching to snag hold of some minute detail that would save her and steer her back, away from the endless pain and towards her awaiting future. Embers scattered as she crashed, surrounding her, dancing merrily like flickering fireflies as she was consumed.

The blistering fire in her chest blazed hotter, centered at her heart. It reverberated through her with the echoing power of a lion’s roar. 

“Mind giving us a little while? I need to get her ready,” Alice requested. Bella heard a door slide, scraping roughly against wood, and fabric rustling -- must be a closet. Oh god. Alice was going to get to dress her up.

Bella could almost remember suffering through this before with Alice. For a dance maybe?

“Nothing too extreme. Changing so unexpectedly, and under these circumstances is enough to handle,” Jasper cautioned, attempting to reign the demeted pixie in. Good luck. Bella had the distinct impression that it was a lost cause.

“I want her to be dazzled. She’ll thank me for it,” Alice insisted, and Bella felt the skepticism filling the room. Apparently Jasper doubted Alice every bit as much as Bella did.

This wasn’t the first time she’d been aware enough to listen to the two talking, but this was definitely the most lucid moment yet. Each time she’d fought back the melting, charring sensation they had been waiting. Perhaps they truly did love and want her, they certainly spoke as though they did.

“Only after you guilt her into it,” Jasper said dryly, accurately calling Alice out. 

“Semantics,” the tiny vampire insisted casually.

“Alice,” Jasper warned more sternly.

“Fine! Nothing fancy or a dress. Happy?” Alice growled, stomping her foot as she gave in gracelessly.

“Yes, sugar,” Jasper said, chuckling softly.

Fingers smoothed across her forehead, sliding down to cup her cheek. Instinctively, Bella knew they belonged to a vampire, but they were soft and despite being more aware than the last time, there still wasn’t even a hint of coolness to the touch. Already she was becoming like the person gently touching her. 

Person… Alice! Soon she would be like Alice. More fabric rustled. A damp cloth wiped her neck, wrist and thigh. The water practically boiled as it ran over her skin. Dimly, Bella was aware of the petite figure easily maneuvering Bella’s limbs to dress her in clean clothes. The satin slid enticingly over her skin, soft and smooth with the illusion of coolness hidden in the woven material.

Hotter. Hotter. Hotter still.

The infinite inferno burned.

Once more she was convinced she would not survive this. No one could. If only --

“She’s stunning,” Jasper breathed. His tone was admiring. Had anyone ever admired her physical appearance before? Not that she could recall. It was enough to have her hoping she didn’t resemble a crispy, cajun blackened fish the way she feared she did.

“I always thought she was,” Alice said chidingly.

“She was always Edward’s,” Jasper countered flatly.

“Laurent is afraid to come back and face the two of you after biting her. He, Irina, and Kate will be gone for months,” Alice informed him lightly.

Edward… he was another Cullen. Right? He’d been important to her, somehow… Hadn’t he?

The venom had already burned through the vast majority of her memories, making it nearly impossible to drag up any memories at all when she tried now. To determine who it was that Jasper implied she belonged to. Only a few things he’d ever said came to mind with genuine clarity.

Something about broken promises.

“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.”

In Phoenix he’d promised to stay. She remembered his saying, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here as long as you need me.”

She’d begged, “Don’t leave me.” 

He’d promised, “I won’t.”

But he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t have, or he’d still have been with her. He’d have stopped Laurent, protected her. Or he’d have changed her himself to keep her with him always. 

“You… don’t… want me?” she’d asked upon learning the family planned to move from Forks.

And Edward had replied, “No.” 

The name sparked one additional memory of a time when Bella had been downstairs with the family as well. One of a boyish, bronze-haired vampire -- Edward -- shoving her into a table covered in fancy, glass plates. Breakable plates that shattered on impact, slicing her arm. Bella didn’t remember anything else, just that Edward had hurt her for some reason. 

The memory was all blurry. Why was it so hard to recall? Why was so much missing?

“So you didn’t let yourself notice. Figures,” Alice huffed, disgruntled and possibly flabbergasted.

“I’m not even going to ask,” Jasper countered, steering clear of the potential minefields involved in the topic. 

“Probably best if you don’t,” Alice agreed, though Bella detected a hint of frustration.

So strange. What did it mean? Jasper had always kept his distance. She genuinely didn’t think he liked her. The knowledge made her sad after recalling the time they’d spent together in Phoenix. Little bits of her time with the Cullens, particularly times spent with Alice and Jasper were easier to recall than any other moments. Jasper must have thought her so naive to fall for James’s trick, and reckless to put them all in danger the way she had when she ran off.

Wait… what trick? Why had Bella been in Phoenix with Alice and Jasper again?

The memories were gone. A puzzle with ninety percent of the pieces missing. There was no way to try and sort out what she should be seeing.

Their conversation made it easier to concentrate on her surroundings instead of the raging flames. They were still there. Still excruciating. But no longer the sole, or even primary, focus of her existence.

The heavier set of footsteps approached. The steps were measured, determined, graceful. Moving to stop thirteen inches from her left arm. Bella was amazed with the sheer amount of detail she could detect without once opening her eyes. 

A large hand gently picked up her own, the massive size easily swallowing hers within it. A thumb idly traced a tender, small circle on the back of her hand. The contrast between it and the pain of burning was too enormous to quantify.

“How much longer?” That was Jasper’s deep tenor. The southern drawl more pronounced now that she was hyper aware of her surroundings. His voice was a soothing balm on the fire ant stinging buzzing through her. 

“You did well. Approximately five more hours,” Alice’s tinkling, bell voice replied. The musical quality was crystal clear. Bella could hear individual notes and melodies within it for the first time. The lighter steps earlier must have belonged to Alice. Bella could actually identify the person by the sound of their walking. It was incredible! 

So many hours yet to go?

It was fewer than she’d feared, but more than she felt confident facing. At least she now knew the amount was finite. It was a small mercy.

“Right at three days then. Same as us,” Jasper acknowledged.

“It would have been closer to five if you hadn’t bitten her twice more,” Alice confessed. The sounds of movement and displaced air made Bella believe she was shuttering at the idea of that happening.

“What aren’t you saying?”

“Her heart… the strain… “ 

“Alice?” Jasper prodded, her name a command to reveal the entire truth.

“Just before Irina got here, I saw -- Bella didn’t make it,” Alice whispered brokenly.

“But she’s fine now. That future didn’t happen,” Jasper stated, pointing out the obvious to banish the possibility away.

“No,” Alice agreed, sighing gratefully.

A second hand came to rest on her arm. Again, the pressure was there, but there was no noticeable cooless. How strange. She longed for the numbing relief the touch of a vampire should have brought. How impossible. Honestly, everything should feel cool compared to the heat she was inflamed in. Perhaps the venom’s fire was so extreme it obliterated the very memory of cold and made it impossible for anything to ever feel cool again.

Bella’s fingers twitched in dread at the thought. They moved spastically against Jasper’s continued hold. It took four seconds for her to recognize and process the latest change that had occurred in her body. Her fingers were just fingers again. The burn had faded at long last from the digits.

It was somewhat shocking to discover that her hand still functioned. That it wasn’t the blisters, bones, and scars that it had felt like after being set ablaze for so long. That there was something more substantial than brittle charcoal attached to her flaming wrist. 

Experimentally, she curled her fingers, and Jasper automatically adjusted his hold to allow them to weave through his own. Then her other hand was doing the same to Alice’s much smaller hand too. There was a new, untapped strength in her fingers too. Her muscles were eager to demonstrate their newfound abilities, but an uncomfortable grunt from Alice had her relaxing her grip fractionally.

Her heart! Bella’s teeth clenched tighter, grinding loudly as the fire burned hotter in her heart. All of the flames receding from her limbs were draining into her heart. It was a swirling vortex collecting the hellfire inward to clash with the battery fueling her life. Except the single organ couldn’t hope to withstand the latest assault.

“It’s all right. We’re here,” Jasper murmured in response to her movement.

“What did you feel?” Alice demanded, concern for her sister evident in the question. A gentle hand came to rest on Bella’s shoulder, running lightly back and forth over the tops of her arm.

“Panic. Doubt. Fear,” Jasper answered, identifying what Bella was too consumed to process.

“Talk to her. This is the worst part,” Alice advised, sympathy pouring forth. “Tell her about when we first joined the Cullens. That’s a good story.”

“The little monster… you know her as Alice --” Jasper began.

“I resent that. I’m a delight,” Alice countered.

“Of course you are,” he agreed readily. “Anyways, she comes barging into my life and turns it upside down, convincing me with a single conversation that I need to try living a different way -- her way. Then she shocks me further by saying she’s not peculiar, that there are actually others that already survive by only feeding on animals. Oh, and that we’re going to go live with them,” Jasper said mockingly. Bella could practically hear him rolling his eyes at the ridiculous idea. “Can you imagine?”

That’s what Bella wanted. To be part of that family. To not hurt humans, and to be loved and welcomed. Jasper and Alice would help her.

“It’s not that absurd,” Alice said defensively.

“In my experience, it is. It’s never possible for more than two or three of our kind to live together. Not peacefully, at least,” Jasper explained. He must have sensed Bella’s confusion, because he elaborated, “The Cullens are different. Between Carlisle and the diet, it’s possible.”

The mention of their diet made it abundantly clear that Bella was already thirsty. Because with the word came the dry, sandpaper scratching sensation in her throat that had her compulsively swallowing. It was a useless action. The fires had burned her salivary glands to ash. There was nothing left to produce the refreshing, lubricating fluids her parched throat cried out for. It lacked the intensity the rest of her body was experiencing, but it was by no means comfortable either. A shallow, sensory memory.

“The house was full, but Alice took it upon herself to move Edward’s stuff to the garage, and since she knew what a struggle it was going to be for me to adjust, said I could stay with her -- as if there was anywhere else I could stay in the three bedroom house. Esme had selected a much less luxurious house back then,” Jasper continued, offering her a welcome distraction.

Bella sensed she must have missed part of the story as the consuming flames whipped through her, because it didn’t entirely make sense. Or was it just because she couldn’t actually recall any of the people being mentioned in the story with any real clarity?

“I’ll tell you anything you forgot again, don’t worry,” Jasper said, sensing her confusion.

The new chaotic emotions knifed up the frantic racing of her burning heart. There was no fire left below her knees or beyond her elbows. It was all concentrated in her heart, amplified by her confusion.

“It’s almost time. I’ll wait for the others to arrive, and you can take her hunting,” Alice suggested. Yes, hunting. Anything to relieve the dry ache in her throat. “There should be some moose nearby that’ll be easy.”

“Oh, lovely -- moose,” Jasper said candidly.

“Would you prefer wolves? From what Irina said, that might not be the best idea,” Alice said.

Then she was once more consumed by the changes happening within her. It took all of Bella’s formidable, stubborn will to continue breathing through the fire blazing brighter in her heart and keep her limbs locked in place.

“Bella? You all right, darlin’?” Jazz asked, tightening his grip on her hand as though trying to ground her or lend her support. “It’s almost over,” he promised.

Bella’s heart beat impossibly faster, straining against her lungs as it expanded and contracted at breakneck speeds. A jack-hammer couldn’t even keep pace at this rate. 

The fire was at her hips and shoulders now. The majority of her arms and legs were blessedly neutral even as the blaze tore through her center, plummeting like a roller coaster. 

“Oh, that should be an interesting conversation,” Alice said happily, clapping her hands and laughing unexpectedly.

“Alice!” Jasper called exasperatedly. Bella barely heard it over the sound of her own heart. It was nearly one continuous beat now.

Alice gasped as Bella felt her back bow, yanked upward as her heart tried to escape the protective cage containing it. With effort, Bella balled her fists, trying to hold herself in place.

“Her heart,” Jasper breathed.

“Very soon,” Alice agreed. The heat was only in Bella’s torso now. 

Soon, Alice had said. It’d have to be. Blood surging through her heart at this accelerated velocity was bound to punch right through if it didn’t stop soon. It’d pop as quick as an overfilled water balloon. 

A straw sucked the last of the fire into Bella’s heart. The competition to determine the victor -- inferno or galloping heart -- was nearing its conclusion. The finish line was in sight. The two forces sprinted on. Inward. Into her heart. 

“It’s time,” Alice chimed, jumping up and down once, and clapping excitedly.

Bella’s heart stuttered out its final beat. The hollow thud echoed in the new silence. 

It was too silent. No more talking. No more heartbeat. No more breathing.

Except it wasn’t silent. Not really. 

A squirrel was climbing a tree thirty-three feet from the house. It’s tiny, clawed toes scraping the bark as it scurried upwards. Lights buzzed, a dim humming that filled the air, each bulb distinct and coming from different rooms in the house. Snow fell, each flake making a tiny click as the icy water impacted against a solid surface.

There was no more pain either. How was it possible for the pain to just vanish? How was that not the first thing she noticed? It was entirely absent, not even a trace remained. Startling. Mysterious. Wonderful!

Strength and vitality surged through Bella. Boundless energy crackled and sizzled within her, seeking an outlet. Each muscle and sinew glowed. She felt invincible. 

Finally. Finally she was strong. Powerful. Immortal.

Bella could feel and appreciate everything. It was all so exciting.

Then she opened her eyes and the dazzling newness and fullness amazed her. Never before had she truly seen. Her broken eyes had been repaired. She’d never even realized how ineffectual they’d been until they worked properly. 

She was finally a vampire. Her one and only desire realized.


	3. 3

Author’s Note

Please forgive any spelling and/or grammar errors. I hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think! 

Sorry for the long wait, I found I couldn’t focus on this until my other story was done. I kept confusing details and events on which story they happened in. This chapter and chapter 2 are super detailed since Bella’s mind is just expanding and it’s reflecting just how much more she’s capable of experiencing. After this, the plot will start picking up and the return of the others will shake things up (and loose in Bella’s memory).

Any dialogue you recognize is from New Moon. PS I’m not Stephenie Meyer, so I don’t own anything :(

~

Ch 3

She’d truly made it out of the fire. Bella was finally a vampire! There was so much -- everything to explore now. Before the thought had even fully formed, Bella’s eyes snapped open.

It was amazing! Her mind whirled, grabbing information and analyzing it with the speed of a supercomputer. Things that had once seemed impossible now seemed laughably simple. She just knew she could do anything.

There was so much to take in. Bella didn’t know what to focus on first. Even as her eyes tracked the floating grey dust motes, their shapes spinning and twisting like lopsided snowflakes, her ears continued listening to the frosty wind parting as it hit the house and split to blow around the sides of the solid structure, stirring up powdered snow in the process. And was the slight pinging the sound of tiny ice crystals clicking against the glass windows? Yes, that was precisely what that sound was. 

A dust mote shifted in front of a light and Bella became entranced by the colors. Little rainbows formed the white light, pulsing and issuing from the filaments inside the light bulbs. The colors were nearly tangible. And what was the eighth color? She had no name for it, but it was there. Never before had she seen it. Hypnotic. Fascinating. Bella could easily waste an entire day watching the miniscule floating wonders.

The rainbows broke, shattering upon impact with other objects in the room and reflecting back new patterns. The air was positively filled with colors and debris. The world was infinitely more intricate than she’d ever imagined. All of life’s mysteries suddenly seemed to have answers, and for the first time, Bella was capable of understanding them. She’d finally been let in on the secrets. It’d take centuries, lifetimes to uncover them all, but now she finally could.

Because she was worthy after all.

She’d made it through the endless tunnel of torrential pain and excruciating agony. Just as a new dawn broke. The first day of the rest of her eternity. A long, unending day that she could fill with any number of extraordinary feats. What a glorious existence this new transition was turning out to be. And she was only experiencing the first few moments!

Another realization occurred to her. She wasn't even fully embracing it, because she wasn’t breathing. How peculiar that she didn’t need to anymore. Would doing so be like her other senses -- magnified?

The answer was a single word -- yes.

Inhaling was a singular experience in itself. Each molecule of air danced and spun around the others, racing to see which could soar down her throat the fastest. Bella could feel them traveling towards her lungs and forcing the redundant organ to expand. Yet there was no relief associated with the action. She hadn’t been experiencing symptoms of oxygen deprivation, so breathing did not alleviate lightheadedness or soothe any aches.

Experimentally, she inhaled again. It was the same. Habit, not necessity.

Despite that, she found herself wanting to continue doing it. The air tasted… like sweetened pecans? Or flowers? Was that a hint of some rich dessert? It was so much more appealing that the rest! Bella couldn’t decide which to focus on. Dissecting each note, teasing them apart like the threads of a sting happened in a blink, yet she didn’t have names to describe all that she discovered. It was such a strange, elusive mixture. Dozens of components mingled in the air around her. 

Curiosity had her sniffing, attempting to interpret the exasive odors flavoring the air like spices in a kitchen. Magnolias. That was the sweet flower she’d breathed. Bella could almost remember visiting a botanical garden in Phoenix that had magnolia trees. They weren’t common to Arizona, not like they were in the south, but there had been a couple trees dotted with the enormous, vibrant white blooms each year. The exotic scent was beautiful. She inhaled deeper, filling her lungs with the heavenly fragrance.

There were other, fainter, notes in the air too. Copper and the harsh bite of chemicals were rather prominent, though they were coming from a different part of the house. Underlying that, as though they were floating in from further away, were the scents of vanilla, pears, and sweet tea. Present as well was leather, wood, cinnamon, musk, amber, furniture polish. There were so many layers that she couldn’t hope to separate them all. Not to mention a dozen other scents. Or she could differentiate them, but it would take days to fully decipher the air, and it would no doubt change in the meantime forcing her to start all over.

Bella found herself returning to the first scents she’d encountered. Magnolia and candied pecans. It was tempting. Intriguing. Entrancing. She greedily gulped it down, drawing in more of it deliberately. The aroma blanketed her, buffering her in the welcome warmth of home. How peculiar that it should invoke such a feeling when it was utterly unfamiliar.

A new tiny curling fuzz drifted past her eyes, snagging her attention. Effortlessly sitting up, Bella followed its progress through the air, captivated with the way it flowed on the unseen air currents. Her eyes had improved to the point that she could distinguish the reddish-orange tint to the microscopic cotton fiber.

Her head shifted, moving so fast, yet everything remained in focus. Experimentally, she turned her head again, relishing the effortless movement. The speed reminded her of when her mom had taken her to Castles-N-Coasters and made her ride a roller coaster. Except this time she could actually see everything that whipped by, and she didn’t embarrass herself by puking down the front of her shirt afterwards as she had during the disastrous day trip. 

Surprise and concern that she was unable to recall anything else from that day had her freezing. Utter stillness descended on her. She didn’t get restless or stiff from being motionless. She just was. Bella’s new awareness of her body, and her marvelous abilities, warred with her blooming worry over the fuzzy details of her past. The outing with her mom hadn’t happened all that long ago. Four years at most. More of that day should be playing out in her mind when she thought back on it. Yet there was nothing. A blank canvas. 

Then gentle waves of peace and acceptance lapped at her feet, inching up and over her as though she were walking into the ocean, descending beneath the crashing waves. Bella breathed again, inhaling the new emotions, welcoming them. Perhaps it was all right that she couldn’t remember anymore from that day. It’d not been one of her favorites, so she didn’t really want to dredge up anything else related to that mortification.

It took several minutes before Bella realized she was not alone. The serenity allowed her to expand her awareness and identify more information outside of herself. Two figures stood just beside the settee she was sitting on. 

One was a girl. Tiny. So small that her body seemed incapable of containing her energy. An eager excitement practically vibrated through her, so full it became necessary to force itself out at her joints in the form of little bouncing movements. Her porcelain hands were clasped under her chin as though helping restrain herself. And her beaming smile radiated happiness as she watched Bella.

There was something so familiar. Bella searched, rummaging through the dusty files and taped boxes of her past, wading through the murky sludge that was her life up until less than a minute ago. Twenty-one seconds to be precise.

Yes, there. She had it! Alice. Her very best friend. The one she missed so fiercely. The girl was Alice!

“Alice,” Bella breathed, eyes darting to locate the source of the ringing bells that sounded just as she spoke. But wait, that had been her speaking. The origin of the musical sound was her voice. How absolutely wonderful! “Oh, Alice! I missed you!” Bella announced, leaping from the plush chair to hug Alice in a single bound. Just the thought of wanting to hold her dear friend had her standing in front of her. Incredible!

Bella almost spoke again so just so she could marvel at her new voice, but Alice was replying before she could.

“Bella, I missed you just as much -- I swear I did! I thought of you every moment,” Alice said in a rush, returning the impromptu embrace enthusiastically. It was like sinking into a hot tub with high-power, bubbling jets -- warm, soothing, and constant motion.

Wasn’t Alice supposed to be hard as granite and cold as an ice sculpture? She wasn’t. There was no difference between them. If possible, Alice was the inviting warmth of sitting beside a fire with family on a chilly winter’s eve.

Bella continued rifling through her incomplete and inadequate memories, uncertain as to why she’d missed Alice and earned this welcome reunion. What had happened? The answer was there, just out of reach. Her fingers stretched, brushing the surface with the tips, her nails scratching in loud, jarring screeches before forming an empty fist -- the truth alluding her. Frustrated, Bella reached again. Almost, almost --

A bird tweeted outside. It dropped to a lower branch and hopped twice before chirping another shrill cry. It’s tiny heart fluttered, circulating the --

Bella froze in her search for the enticing fragrance when she caught sight of the other figure standing beside her and Alice. Even the fresh awareness of her dry, scratching throat faded in light of examining the final person in the room. 

A waving lock of gilded hair draped across the male’s forehead and tangled in his long, sooty eyelashes. Gilded. His hair was a riot of whites and yellows, golds and silvers. It was the color of straw -- no, corn… or maybe honey. Only more metallic. It was beautiful. Bella could imagine the way the sun would spark off it.

How on earth had he not captured her attention immediately? He was captivating. Magnificent.

He stood frozen, watching her intently. Somehow she knew that the rest of the world had ceased to exist for him. It was only her. Bella was his soul focus. His eyes were a warm rolling carmel color with flecks of milk chocolate. Waves and starbursts patterned the intricate design with a darker ring at the center. Acceptance and amusement shone from their depths. There was interest too. Not to mention a fair amount of anticipation.

He knew her. And she knew him. 

Jasper.

His name was easier to recall. It was loosely looped around her memory of Alice, the two vaguely connected, so to think of one was to know the other. 

Bella gasped as she took him in. His strong stance, and toned body were visible even through his clothes, the ribbed turtleneck hugging his torso, outlining hard, solid muscles that betrayed the body of a man rather than the teenage boy he’d pretended to be when she knew him before. The seams at his shoulders pulled slightly. Bella saw a thread tugging at the top of his left shoulder. 

An intricate pattern of half-crescents was visible, peeking out above the high collar of his shirt and creeping up to his chin. The marks overlapped, criss-crossing to tell a long and chaotic story. Bella was certain she’d never heard it before, but even if she had, the history of the marks was lost to her. Confusion clouded her curiosity, the misty wisps entwining and swirling together until one emotion became the other.

“Are you ready to go?” Alice chirped merrily, interrupting her deep assessment of his person as well as her forward momentum -- because Bella had just realized she was unconsciously leaning towards Jasper, drawn in by some magnetic force. Flustered, Bella expected additional warmth to infuse her cheeks, but the tell-tale signs of a blush never came. “Jasper’s going to take you hunting,” Alice continued, smiling encouragingly at Bella.

“Bella? Are you thirsty?” Jasper asked. His voice was a deep, husky drawl most commonly heard in the south. Had Bella ever heard him speak before? Surely she’d have remembered the sound and the way his words were a stroke of velvet along her spine if she ever had.

He waited, raising a brow expectantly. What? 

A blanket of focus stole around her, blocking out distractions and damping her mind. Almost as though it was a house, and all the lights, save the one room she was currently occupying went out.

“Are you ready to hunt? It will help with your thirst,” Jasper repeated, though he needn’t have. 

More, she wished he hadn’t. Because the moment he did, her throat filled with flames. They licked at the tissue, evaporating any hint of moisture until all she knew was a dryness that she longed to quench as quickly as possible. Her hands flew up to clutch at it, pressing against the impossibly smooth surface to smother them, but it did nothing to douse the intensity. The pain was a lingering reminder of the agony she’d endured during her transition.

“Yes,” she bit out, the word scraping painfully on its way out. Syrupy venom coated her teeth and tongue, pooling in excess in her mouth, but swallowing the thick substance didn’t help to alleviate the new ache merely thinking about being thirsty had incited.

“I’ll be there to help you the entire time,” he promised. 

Bella glanced at Alice, but she just nodded, and encouraged, “Go on.”

“Come with me,” Jasper requested, politely holding out his hand, palm up. An invitation -- an offer to share this secret long denied her.

He would have looked imposing if not for the ghost of a smile flirting about his full lips. The ends just barely tilted up. And even if his mouth didn’t give him away, the unhidden amusement lighting his gem-colored eyes would have. 

The desire to go with him welled up within her, tugging her towards him. Loose, honey blond curls and golden eyes. Strong, broad shoulders. He was safety personified. She instinctively trusted him to help her navigate this unfamiliar world she’d just become a part of. 

“Let’s go,” Bella said, slipping her hand into his.

His hand was warm and rough, evidence of his life maring the smooth perfection she’d expected to encounter. Intrigued, she watched as his fingers threaded with hers, searching for signs of why his skin felt so different from her own.

But there was no time. Because as soon as he had a firm grip on her hand, he was tugging her forward, through the house and outside where they began to run.

“I’ll be here when you get back, Bella. Promise!” Alice called, but Bella didn’t spare her a glance. Of course Alice would still be there. Why wouldn’t she?

Then the thought vanished, replaced by yet another new distraction. Bella blinked, bewildered by her own ability to move. Her limbs flowed immediately and without direct effort. Never had she been able to get about without stumbling and purposefully planting her feet where they needed to go. She remembered being clumsy. It was one of the many banes of her existence. Apparently, it wasn’t to be part of her new life.

Her head was on a swivel stick as it looked left and right with the speed of a lightning strike. Amazement consumed her at all the details bombarding her. Barren trees dotted the landscape, leaves replaced with piles of snow sticking upon their branches like puffs of cotton. In the distance, evergreens stood tall and proud, the forest ascending the base of the mountain. Glittering snow formed a thick layer of sugary frosting over the ground, their every step punching holes at least six feet apart as they fairly leapt across the open area.

The idea of silence was a joke. Every possible sound carried easily to her. From the wind rustling the pine needles, lifting individuals flakes of snow to carry away, to the shifting of a squirrel nestled deep inside a knot in the tree.

In less than thirty seconds, they were entering the distant treeline, more than a mile out from the house. Jasper released Bella’s hand, and she practically flew forward, dodging and weaving between the trees. Joyous laughter spilled from her lips, the dancing notes tumbling forth to get caught up and tangled in a spider’s abandoned web as she ran past.

Then warmth was filling her mouth, hot and rich and delicious. Deep swallows pulled greedily from the furry, smelly beast her arms were locked around. Only once did the animal buck, raising up on its back legs to toss her off, but the attempt was pitiful. As if the weak creature had a chance of defeating her! How utterly laughable.

All too soon there was nothing left. Bella sucked harder, trying to draw more of the refreshing liquid into her mouth, but there was none to be had. Not even a stray drop. Disappointed, she flung the limp carcass away, then stood from the crouch her body had naturally adopted.

Bella blinked, her mouth parting in surprise as she took in the dead animal, a moose with matted russet fur, some six feet away where it had hit a tree and slumped to the ground in a tangled heap. She hadn’t even consciously made the decision to hunt. It was as though her body reacted before the scent of blood had even registered, knowing what she needed to reduce -- although it failed to fully eliminate -- the ache in her throat. There had been no guidance necessary, no opportunity to become self-conscious or uncertain. No courching, stalking, hunting. Nothing premeditated. She’d simply acted. 

Predatory instincts guided her while Bella was on autopilot -- sitting in the passenger seat while her vampiric nature directed her body. It was so simple. So easy. Bella wanted to try again so she could experience it and try to follow along better. Plus, she simply desired more of the refreshing substance.

Snapping her mouth shut, her eyes scanned her surroundings, torn between looking for another moose and wanting to find Jasper. To judge his reaction. Part of her hoped someone had witnessed her accomplishment. Physical acts had never come easy and she secretly wanted the validation that she deserved after what she’d just done. Her clothes weren’t even rumpled. Though there were a few stray hairs which were easily brushed off the silky top Alice had chosen for her, likely for this very reason.

It was Jasper that she found first, and the moment they locked eyes, she relaxed. He was watching her carefully, his expression enigmatic. Why? Did he think she was going to panic or freak out? She wasn’t. Already, she’d known becoming a vampire would involve drinking blood. That hadn’t been enough to deter her from desiring this life. 

Though she had worried it would have the unappealing taste of rusty salt. Honestly, it hadn’t really tasted like anything. It was gone too fast to savor. Perhaps she could drink the next one slower and try to find a human comparison that she was familiar with to classify it. Just the thought of having another renewed the burn, though it was far more muted and manageable than it’d been before.

“Are you all right, Bella?” Jasper asked, scanning her, but not approaching.

“Yes?” she tried.

“How do you feel?” he asked. Feel. The question triggered a memory -- Jasper was an empath.

“Don’t you already know?” she teased, delighted to remember something without all the previous effort recalling things had been.

“I do, but I want to make sure you understand as well,” he said. He’d relaxed at her jest, and a true smile stretched his mouth transforming him into a devastating vision. Bella blinked against the blinding perfection of it, stunned by the new emotions the sight invoked within her. “This is a lot to take in at once -- I remember.”

“Uh… It -- hunting, I mean, was easier than I expected,” Bella admitted, tearing her eyes away. 

Knowledge flowed through her mind, an understanding seeming to pop into existence as though it were a truth she’d always had. Secretly, she’d once feared that her aversion to blood as a human would translate into issues for her when it came to drinking the fluid if she ever were to become a vampire. Luckily, that hadn’t happened.

Jasper nodded, agreeing with her initial assessment, but didn’t speak as he continued to watch her. Suddenly, Bella was replaying the last minute in her head, her mind recalling every detail without realizing she could do that. It was incredible, her mind a video she could stop and play and rewatch at will.

The moose hadn’t even been in sight yet when she’d leapt forward. Three giant steps had taken her around the trees and directly into its path. Nothing would have stopped her from grabbing it, desperate need, a longing so acute, that she’d have attacked anything and anyone that tried to stop her.

“I feel like I lost myself there for a while,” Bella said slowly, her brow pinching at the realization.

She’d gone from exhilaration at her new strength, to wonder at the unseen world the curtain of humanity had been pulled back to reveal, to satisfaction at feasting, and desirous for more to further slake her thirst all in under a minute. How was she supposed to manage the whirlwind of rapidly changing emotions?

“It can be like that -- especially at first,” Jasper said sagely. Casually, he approached her, the ease inviting her to look deeper and share more.

“I never even made the decision to hunt. I didn’t even realize I’d know how,” Bella said frankly, unconcerned that he might judge her behavior. Never had she been comfortable opening up or admitting insecurities, but Jasper seemed so accepting that she was able to without fear.

“Instinct. Our kind rely heavily on instinct,” he explained.

“Oh. Yes, that’s how it was,” she said, having already deduced that.

“What are yours telling you now?” he coaxed, inching closer.

That it was him. His scent of magnolias and sweet pecans that had called the loudest to her back at the house. But she couldn’t admit that. It was too blatant, too… Well, she didn’t understand it well enough to mention without sounding like a fool.

“That it wasn’t enough,” she said instead. Her throat still ached, the itching attempting to distract her even then. “I want more.”

“Let’s go,” he suggested, inclining his head to the left slightly. His eyes flicked back to her as he asked, “You can smell them, right?”

“Of course,” she replied immediately, leaning in the direction she detected the aroma and heat of rushing blood was wafting from. Gasping, Bella turned to the male, excitedly shouting, “Jasper, I can smell them!”

He chuckled at her enthusiasm, and she playfully shoved his shoulder. Smugness filled her when the force of her hit made him take a half step back. She was strong now. Strong enough to move mountains -- or the unmovable status that was a vampire.

“It’s been a long time since I felt that rush -- the sudden sense of invulnerability and power you feel after waking up,” Jasper said lightly, an almost giddiness shining from him. 

Bella was stopped from exploring his words by the realization that the deer -- that was the source of the blood she’d noted nearby, her mind supplied helpfully -- was moving steadily away. No! She wanted it.

Now.

The need drove her forward, Jasper less than a step behind. Together they raced through the trees, catching up with the fleeing deer in seconds.

More aware this time, Bella felt her knees bend in preparation to pounce. With no effort, she sprung, darting through the air with the speed and accuracy of a homing missile, her arms finding purchase around its waist. All it took was a gentle squeeze to snap the creature’s back. It slumped in her arms even as her mouth descended rapidly to fasten around the long, exposed neck. The fur brushed her lips, not precisely tickling, but not altogether pleasant either. Then her teeth were slicing into the tender flesh.

The blood was warm and thick, and Bella eagerly drank it. There was an earthy quality to it, as though it were dirty or tainted, but it still didn’t really taste like anything in particular, let alone something she was familiar with. That didn’t stop her from finishing it off, taking in long pulls until it too, much like the moose, stopped yielding the liquid that quenched the burn in her throat.

It was bliss and relief to have it stop. Not even the knowledge that it was a temporary reprieve lessened her joy. Her stomach was full. Shifting slightly seemed to make the liquid slosh uncomfortably within her, the first sign since waking that her body could feel anything aside from invincible.

The used deer was so light in her grasp. The lack of blood seeming to have withered it down to a paper mache husk. It didn’t matter that she subconsciously knew the animal’s blood accounted for very little of its total weight.

“Bella?” Jasper breathed, uncertainty wafting from him like the aroma of fresh baked cookies straight out of the oven. He stayed back, but her name drew her out of her reverie. 

She felt guilty at once. He sounded so confused when he said her name. But why wouldn’t he be? She was still crouched protectively over the drained animal. Likely, he thought she’d finally lose it. He’d no doubt already detected the way her emotions were shifting faster than a flipbook. 

“How’d I do?”

“Incredible,” he said simply, the word a sensual caress against her spine. One that left her shivering in its wake.

“What does my hunting style resemble?” she asked curiously.

“A viper. The death strike swift and sudden, totally unexpected,” he said describing her. Bella wondered about his hunting style, and when she’d be able to watch. Did he have a preferred meal?

A thought suddenly struck Bella, slipping out before she’d fully processed it. “If I’d come across a human before that deer --”

“Alice scouted the area ahead of time. She knew you wouldn’t,” Jasper rushed to reassure her.

“But if she hadn’t --”

“You were starving. The process of transitioning takes a toll on the body and requires immediate nourishment. It was remarkable how rational you were upon first waking. Most are consumed with hunger and can’t think straight until it's been sated. 

“It’ll get easier. You’ll be able to consciously decide to hunt, rather than be helpless to resist and be controlled by the bloodlust. But it takes time to master, and we’ll make sure you have all the time you need before venturing closer to people,” Jasper stated confidently, helping her understand her actions of the last few minutes.

Minutes. It was so hard to believe she’d only been alert and an active part of this new life for mere minutes. Fifteen approximately. Fourteen minutes and forty-three seconds to be exact.

“Promise?”

What if there was an accident? The postman came by to deliver a package. A hiker ventured away from the standard trails. A car broke down near where she was hunting. Any number of things outside their control could happen at a moment's notice.

“Yes,” Jasper answered immediately. He picked up on the doubt she must have been projecting. “Bella, I would have stopped you.”

“You would?” she asked skeptically.

“You doubt me?” he asked, clearly surprised, as though none have ever questioned his ability before.

“No… Well, yes,” she huffed, scuffing her foot a little in the dirt as she gave up hedging around his question. Frustrated, she tried to explain, “It’s just… you’re so gentlemanly!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he demanded, and she scowled when she realized he was trying not to laugh at her.

What had he called it before? Bloodlust. What an apt name. Her craving, once she’d caught the scent, had been like nothing she’d ever experienced before. There was no way she’d have given it up without a fight. And wasn’t human blood supposed to be even better? Would that actually taste like something? Be even more satisfying?

“I would have fought you for it,” she said, recognizing the truth in the simple statement.

“So?” Jasper chuckled, unable to restrain himself any longer.

“You’d have had to physically restrain me,” Bella pointed out, frowning at his continued humor. The idea of his doing that seemed ludicrous. She had a clear memory of him gently guiding her through a crowded area, one hand hovering close to her back, ready to catch her if she fell or tripped -- the way her clumsy self usually did -- while the other was tucked neatly behind his back, the epitome of decorum and manners from a long ago time when men cherished and protected women. “I just can’t picture you harming a woman.”

“I suppose the events of your birthday have somehow been rationalized away,” he stated drolly, going so far as to roll his eyes at her. Though his jaw clenched, as though silently reprimanding himself over something.

“What events?” she asked, dumbfounded.

“When I tried to attack you -- the paper cut…” he said, trailing off. Now he was the one that looked confused. His eyes flicked rapidly over her face, and after a sixteenth of a second, his head cocked slightly. “You don’t… remember any of that, do you?”

“No,” she admitted, shaking her head, truly bewildered.

“And you don’t remember my history either,” he said, expelling a little puff of air at the end. Despite the frigid February weather in central Alaska, the act didn’t produce a corresponding fluffy cloud in the air before his face. Because he, and now Bella too, were the same temperature as the outside air, and their inhaling did nothing to warm the air before it left their bodies again.

“I don’t think I ever knew it,” Bella said, searching the area of her mind she’d found his name and the few facts she possessed about him. Curious. He was important to her, or he had been, yet she knew next to nothing about him. Hopefully they’d be able to rectify that soon enough. “Why? Is it bad?”

Bella watched as Jasper’s hand rose, absently covering the marks exposed above the hem of his turtleneck. When he noticed her briefly following the movement, Bella felt the waves of confusion and self-consciousness surrounding her once again as they had when she noted the unusual pattern of scars the first time. Yet she didn’t feel confused, merely curious. Oh. Jasper was the one confused. It was his reaction that she was detecting. But why? 

“It’s a bit of a long story. Best we save it for another day and start heading back now. The rest of the family will be here soon, and I know Esme is anxious to see you,” he said gently, smiling kindly. 

Bella had the feeling it was the first time someone had ever put her off and actually meant it when they promised to fill her in later. Jasper was too sincere not to trust. Plus, the name Esme had invoked a powerful longing in Bella. One she was anxious to explore.


End file.
